matilda-'s Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- new directions It is true to say that the ways that we employ to protect us from being hurt will almost always end up creating it. I haven't yet found the right way "to be" with myself. I did something I thought would help me. I broke into and read my mothers email. Only one, but you could call it the "right" one. In it, Richard told her he was sorry for the interruption while chatting last night...that being me. It was more like "unfortunatly she disrupted our time". Also he thought I did it on purpose. Last night we'd talked on the phone after our chat and he's trying to tell me he only wants to be honest. I'm all for the honesty thing. But I wanted to say, after reading that email, please don't chat or talk to me unless you absolutely want to. Don't let me get in the way of his getting to know a mental case. I love my mother, but yeah, she is a mental case right now. And you know something else? He didn't seem to be so interested in her before I told him she looked so damn young for her age. I could kick myself in the ass for being such a dipshit. He's totally forgotten all the shit she let happen to our family. He listens to me, says he understands. He knows what she did was wrong but "poor Rose...something must have frightened her". No, I don't blame it all on her. I blame it on my father and myself and Clarice to an extent. For the right or wrong reasons, I blame everyone, including myself. I don't want to say I've lost to my 48, soon to be 49 year old mother. No, I haven't yet lost to anyone. But I'm not going to fight either. Tell me, is it worth it? As he said to me before, "I ran outta gas for you". He gave up on me when I was sick and I gave up last night when he said you can't love someone that way without spending real time together. See, it was supposed to cancel out the "I love you's", erase them. No more. Ooops, Kendall, I made a booboo. Shit happens. Not that he said that, called it a booboo, but it felt that way. Don't tell me I'm wrong, any of you. It's all I have left at the moment.
I should tell him to pick one of us or have none of us. Because there is no way in hell my mother is ever coming back to herself. Not in a way where she could have her own life again, taking care of her 3 year old daughter and certainly she'll never be able to have any relationship with a man, other than friendly. Is it true? Anything's possible? I'm certain of it now. I did wish to live for all the wrong reasons. A vacation for me is in the works. The place I recieve all my "counseling", they have other facilities. One I think in Italy, another in Brazil, one in Denmark. More later. 12:30 - Thursday, May. 30, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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